My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Girls should come with a carfax report
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
