3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
