the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Randomize
