Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
