She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
