The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Bring me that man meat
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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