It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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