my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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