you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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