oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
