You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
