I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
