: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
