just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
