Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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