i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
