he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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