Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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