i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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