And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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