Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
