If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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