my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We have so much sex to catch up on
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
