Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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