The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
