WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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