Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
