mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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