That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just invented taco cereal.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Found the puke drawer
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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