your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
