Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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