dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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