Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
