my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Randomize
