I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
