My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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