Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
