hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
