Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
