uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
wanna go halves on a baby?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
