I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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