I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
