What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
