Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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