Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
