So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
