She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
