peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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