Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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