took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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