Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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