I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
