So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
