living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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