I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
