I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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