I will die if light touches me.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
