so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
that may or may not have been my penis.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
