well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize